Held His Rose
by Elios
Summary: A diary entry from Usagi about that infamous little breakup in the anime. You know? Usagi and Mamoru? The whole dream thing? ... I give up.


Held His Rose  
By Elios  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I hope you're actually worth something. Rei said I should keep a diary to record my feelings in.  
  
Maybe she's right. I don't know. All I know is that I'll do anything anyone says now...  
  
You see, I have loved a man and was born to love a man and have been loving a man for near  
  
twenty-one centuries. That's two-thousand years, or two milleniums. The first time we were  
  
separated by war, but this time we've just been lost through a few hundred years. But we're  
  
together now, so why isn't he happy? What'd I do wrong? Why does he not love me anymore?  
  
All of the sudden, for no obvious reason to my eyes, Mamo-chan has just... well, left me. It's   
  
like one day we just ended our relationship... which, until now, seemed impossible. Highly   
  
impossible. I really hope it is impossible. Rei says all couples go through troubles... while  
  
the odds are against this one, I'll just listen to her for now. She would know more about it  
  
than I ever would.  
  
Sayanora!  
  
Usagi-chan ^.~  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Today didn't go well. At all.  
  
Let me explain. Rei-chan calls. I pick up the phone and talk to her. I tell her I have my diary   
  
when she offers to let me borrow one of hers, I also add that I have already made an entry.  
  
Then we say bye and hang up. The phone rings instantly after that. Thinking it must be Rei who  
  
forgot something, I answer and say, "Rei-chan?" The other end asks, "Usagi-chan? Is that you?"  
  
It's Mamo-chan! I'm so excited. I say it is me and ask what he needs. He says he wants to talk  
  
to Chibiusa-chan. Nani! I can't believe it! I ask him again who he wants to speak to and he  
  
replies, "Chibiusa-chan, if you don't mind." That's rude. I ask him if he wants to talk to me  
  
right now or after he speaks with Chibiusa. He says: "Usa/ko/- I mean, Usagi! Please, just let  
  
me speak to Chibiusa!" I can't believe it! The nerve of him! The baka! I almost scream at him  
  
right then and there but I hold my temper back and tell Chibiusa the phone's for her. Once she  
  
has it, I hang up. Then I try to write in this diary with the new pen Ikuko-mama bought me,  
  
but the tears smur the ink too much. So I tried to draw, but I couldn't do that either.  
  
Eventually, I just waited, sobbing in my pillow, until Chibiusa was off the phone, and then  
  
I called Rei. She didn't know what to do about it. I'm so stressed. Why, oh kami-sama, why me?  
  
Yours truly,  
  
Usagi...  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Life is so cruel! For once, today, it has nothing to do with my dear Mamo-chan... but, rather,  
  
something else.  
  
Naru doesn't want to be my friend anymore! Today she wanted me to sit with her and Gurio at a  
  
table, but I told her I couldn't today and maybe tomorrow, I didn't even remember tomorrow was  
  
Saturday, but I don't know if that part offended her. This afternoon, after school, she came up   
  
to me and said she didn't want to be my friend anymore if I didn't have time for her. Before I   
  
got to say anything, though, she stormed off. What's even /worse/ is that my fellow Senshi  
  
teased me about it! Can you believe the nerve of them? I tried calling Naru but her mom said  
  
she's not in at the moment. Of course! Ara... Why /me/?  
  
Take care,  
  
Usagi  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Maybe this diary isn't the right thing for me to do. Ever since I wrote in you I've been really  
  
mad. No matter what. Maybe that's just natural... I told Rei, she doesn't know. She just says   
  
lots of professionals reccomend it... Professional what's?  
  
I haven't talked to Mamoru in a while. He hasn't wanted to talk to me. Whenever I ask Chibiusa  
  
about him, she just says that it isn't my business to know when Mamoru won't tell it to my face.  
  
Whatever she means by that... She's mature for her age at least, but quick to speak...  
  
Well, I'm going to take a nap now. Maybe that'll help settle my troubles.  
  
Sweet Dreams, to me, at least,  
  
Usagi  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I bet you're surprised to hear from me twice in a day, ne? ^.^;; I feel better already, notice  
  
all the pretty drawings of mine along the sides of the pages? Hehe. Oh. Hai, I am happy. Why,  
  
you ask?  
  
Well, first, I talked to Naru about our friendship, and she said that she didn't mind it. Good  
  
enough it was only one of those 24 hour things!  
  
Second, I talked to Makoto about my relationship with Mamoru. You know how she's good with  
  
those things, right? Well, she said that she personally thought it was just a phase, and since  
  
Chibiusa was so much like me (I didn't agree with her fully on that part), that maybe by talking  
  
to Chibiusa it was like talking to me... somehow that means our relationship will get better,  
  
none the less, even if I didn't catch it. He.  
  
The third thing I'm so happy about is that it seems like our enemy has refrained from attacking  
  
for a while. This means that I have more time to sort out my life, as well as the other girls  
  
their's, without being stressed over when the next attack is going to be and if it'll be the  
  
last.  
  
Anyways, so, I hope you've had a day as good as mine!  
  
Ja ne!  
  
Usagi - The Rabbit  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Well, remember my last entry I posted two days ago? I guess I spoke WAY too soon...  
  
That's just the irony of it all, I guess!  
  
So, Naru is still doing fine, she may be worried about my constant disappearances, but we are  
  
slowly healing, both of us. As for Mamoru... no luck. The other girls see how depressed  
  
I am over it and they're starting to tell me "I know you'll pull through" or "It's just a phase"  
  
and the like. But is it /really/ just a phase? I don't... I don't think so. Rei has been the   
  
worse about it, though. She may have been nice enough to give me advice on starting a diary, but  
  
she sure doesn't agree with me acting this way about it. She says I'm overreacting. Whatever  
  
that means! I hate it when she uses big words to counter me.  
  
Chibiusa has a growing vocabulary as well, if not a good one. Last night she was sent to her  
  
room thrice for some 'words' she said... while she complains other people at her school say  
  
those things, Ikuko-mama and especially Kenji-papa don't seem to agree with her.  
  
Now, where was I?... Oh, yes. The enemy attack. It caught us off guard...  
  
We were probably all having dinner when suddenly there was a small explosion and the news  
  
flashed to show an attack nearby. We all made pathetic excuses to get out of the house, or, at  
  
least, get away from the family, and when we did we transformed and moved off to do our work.  
  
Did I mention we clogged up the communicator messaging lines, ruining the system? Luna and  
  
Artemis made a big deal about that and how they'd have to access the Moon database to recover  
  
the communications system. Oh well.  
  
So, anyways, the enemy attacks! We're unprepared! It's almost like we've forgotten how to fight!  
  
They nearly defeated us this time! But, of course, in the end, we prevailed... As usual.  
  
Well, that's all for now...  
  
Usagi  
  
Once Usako, never forgotten...  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I went to the library today. That's a first... of sorts. I've been searching for a way,  
  
this past week, for me to express my feelings. Whether to Mamoru or not, I need to get this out  
  
of me. I asked Rei and she said just give my diary to whoever I feel I need to express myself  
  
with, but I told her I would never do that. Then I asked Ami. She said that the only other way  
  
she could think would be through a poem, a song, or a book. I told her I didn't know how to  
  
write anything like that! She said that I wouldn't need to write it; I could go to a library,  
  
find a book that really symbolized my feelings, then give it to someone to read when I want  
  
them to know how I feel, or how I felt. Just one problem- I wasn't about to read a book just so  
  
I could give it to someone and say, "I felt like this last week." So Ami suggested a poem would  
  
be best, and that they were quick to read and easy to find. Poems were easy to remember, too,  
  
she said, and so whenever I feel like it I can recite it, rather than coming and checking it out  
  
of the library all over again. I thought this sounded like a "decent" idea (do you like that  
  
word? I do! I've heard Ami say it so much that I finally learned what it meant! Ami-chan says   
that's good, so I guess I'm good for doing that, and, smart, perhaps?). So, I went to the  
  
library! And guess what I found there? A poem! The poem! The perfect poem to describe how I  
  
feel! I wouldn't be surprised if it was written just for me and Mamo-chan!.. I mean, Mamoru. I   
still have the habbit of calling him that sometimes... but I'm trying not to. Not now, at  
  
least. Anyways! Here's the poem!:  
  
" I once knew of a paradise,  
A world not seen by eyes...  
This utopia of my dreams, however,  
Could only be accessed via your kiss.  
Just to feel your body, pressing against mine,  
Our lips would touch and, oh!, that chill down my spine...  
Immediate ecstacy!  
But then our world caved in and you left,  
I never saw your face again,  
But the pleasure left no pain...  
Your chocolate love,  
Your roses picked from a winter garden,  
But why? Why? Why did you leave? "  
...  
" But why? Why? Why did he leave?...  
He surprised me day after day  
With his everlasting love!  
But how? But why? How could he leave?  
We had so many dreams...  
His fresh boquet,  
The smell of the sweet of the rose,  
But how? But why? How could he leave?  
But for a moment... I can recall... remember!  
That I... at least I... held his rose... "  
  
-------- Usagi  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Sorry I couldn't write any more after I wrote that poem for you. The communicator went off -  
  
there was another attack. I hate these enemies... hate them! They make me look like a fool in  
  
front of the other Senshi! I know I could beat them!.... If I just had a chance.  
  
It seems like everything is just going down in my life.. I really shouldn't think this way,  
  
though, so maybe this journal thing is a bad idea. I don't have much to talk about, so once I've  
  
thought over everything that's happened recently I'll come back and write. Maybe. Who knows...  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I didn't even write my signature on my last entry! I must have been really tired then... All I  
  
remember right now is that I just fell asleep right after I finished writing that, and I slept  
  
until night. Ikuko-mama hadn't wanted to wake me up, so she saved my dinner for me and heated it  
  
up when I woke up. After finally getting my homework done with, I went back to sleep.  
  
It's been a week since then. Lots of things have happened... I've been seeing Mamoru a lot more,  
  
and yesterday he carried on a small conversation with me before I gave the phone to Chibiusa.  
  
It's a good sign, I guess. Rei says it is; Makoto, too.  
  
I'm still tired. Maybe I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. This enemy makes me so worn  
  
out after a battle. Maybe I should just give up on this diary.  
  
Sorry...  
  
--Usagi  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
It's been a really long time since I last wrote in you. A lot of things have changed.  
  
While me and Naru are getting closer, me and Mamoru are getting further away from each other,  
  
not to mention all the arguments with the Senshi. I hate this. What's with it?  
  
I think I'm addicted to writing in you. I tried to stop myself for the longest time, but  
  
eventually I had to come back. Maybe you're really helping me, as Ami would say, "Contrary to  
  
your original belief."  
  
She says that a lot to scold me.  
  
My teacher just asked us yesterday to do a report on a poem or book. I'm going to do a report on  
  
the poem I wrote in you; it's not mine, of course, I guess I should say I copied it down in  
  
you...  
  
You know, that poem, called "Held His Rose"? I tried to tell my teacher about it without  
  
reciting the lyrics (which I have forgotten), and she said it might be a famous haiku that lots  
  
of liteature specialists reccomend. I told her I wasn't sure. What is a haiku, anyways? I guess  
  
that's stupid of me to ask, but, seriously, I'm not sure if what I think it is is what it  
  
is....  
  
Well, I'd better be going, now. Ja ne!  
  
--Usagi  
  
* * *   
  
Dear Diary,  
  
It'll be hard, I say, for anyone to try to read what I am writing now. My tears are  
  
ruining this ink, blotting and blurring all my words and marks, but that's all right. I don't  
  
know if I want anyone to read this later on, anyways.  
  
Mamoru has pushed it to the limit. Today I saw him at the mall and waved and said hello and did  
  
everything loud enough and big enough to be sure he heard me... he even looked right at me! But  
  
then he turned away, like he didn't even know me... I swear!  
  
To Kami-sama and above! What's with my Mamo-chan? Why doesn't he love me? I swear!... That  
  
Chibiusa-chan.. that devil... She must be with the enemy! I know it sounds stupid, of course,  
  
"Usagi no baka!", but still... She's just so.. mysterious. We don't know anything about her...  
  
And, ah! The perfect disguise! Maybe I should just see a psychologist. Maybe I should end it  
  
all. I don't really like thoughts like these, but they just plague me... Yes, I do know that  
  
word, so nyah.  
  
I think about that poem more than ever now... it means so much to me... I think I understand it  
  
unlike I did before...  
  
Now I do understand it. And I can relate to it. Mamoru... Tuxedokamen-sama... I held his rose!  
  
/His/ rose!  
  
Mamoru... No, /my/ Mamo-chan! How... could you do this... to... to me?  
  
Ara! Kami-sama! Why me? Explain, please, a sign! Why?...  
  
...  
  
I don't know what I must do. I just... I don't know. Mamoru... just Mamoru... he's all I think  
  
about. But, as the poem phrases, if I never meet with Mamoru again, never feel his touch, never  
  
feel his warmth, his love, my passion for him fades... IF any of the above /should/ happen...  
  
then... Then at least I... I can.. I /have/... Have proof of his love...  
  
Because I... held his rose.  
  
--Tsukino Usagi.  
  
  
  
  
* * *   
  
  
Well! Hope you liked that. ^^;;  
  
As you should've noticed, or I needed to point out, this takes place during the original  
Japanese Sailormoon Romance anime (part 2 season 2) and this is when Usagi and Mamoru have their  
thing. Forgive me if I broke some great law in this fic! It's my first, really! .;  
  
Who to thank? Well, the author of the first fanfiction I ever read, which happens to be Jendra  
and her Sailor Moon Universal/B series. I have graduated from that by now, though, let us   
hope... o.o;  
  
The most recent fics I have read include "Angst" by Emporess, found at ASMR's archives, also  
there is Janelle Jimenez's (forgive me if I spell it wrong!) Sailormoon Millenia Trilogy, and   
last but not least, my newest favorites, Jackie Chiang and Tim Nolan. I hope one day to be as  
godly and [positively] well known as these authors are- they're my main inspiration. :D Ehem.  
Let's cut the mushy stuff now.  
  
I should thank DiC, really, and yes, I first saw the Sailor Moon dub, which then led me to  
greater rewards, such as, hence, the Japanese/Original BSSM. In that case, I should thank Toei  
for even creating the anime upon which this fanfiction is based, and that stems to Naoko  
Takeuchi, and therefore I should be thanking Takeuchi Kenji and Takeuchi Ikuko, and their  
parents, and... bah. It's late. I get carried away.  
  
Probably not my best work, probably I'll do a lot better, but this is my first! Forgive me,  
minna-san! Hee. Well. Okay. Eheh... heh... okay. Okay.  
  
Now, about that pretty "Held His Rose" poem thing. As far as I know, there is no poem like  
that or containing those lyrics, and I made it up for the sole purpose of my fanfiction. ^^;; I  
admit it! That's why the lyrics are so bad! But that does not mean you can use it... So hands  
off, okeh?  
  
So, I hope this is good enough to at least get you to read my other fanfictions. Please, if you  
don't like the way I did the journal entries, its either the fact that I tried to make it like  
Usagi would write it our it was too poetic to capture Usagi's sense, therefore came out  
mutilated. o.O; This could use some revising and editing, yes, but maybe I'll do that in the  
years to come. For now, any comments, complaints, and suggestions should be sent to:  
teitloff@earthlink.net  
  
I just want to write a nice fic. I hope you all liked it, and please, send me any suggestions  
you think could help me.  
  
--  
Elios -- Saturday, December 16th, 2000  
  
Signing off estimated 11:10PM 


End file.
